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2003-04-14 - 8:03 p.m.

I'm talking with an old friend online. My oldest friend, actually; we've been friends for over a decade now. We've said some horrible things to each other over the years and we've come out still friends through all of it.

For years, we never understood why we said the things we did to each other. It was because we were too scared to tell each other how we felt. Why? We were young and stupid, and now we can laugh about all the things we kept from each other. THAT's why you said I had died to you! THAT's why I thought it was exciting when you said you might have leukimia!

It all reinforces to me why people should be honest with each other. Even if the truth hurts to admit to. We could have saved each other a lot of pain if we had just admitted what was really going on.

People do it all the time. We lie to each other constantly. Why? I'd like to pretend that I don't lie, but that would be me just lieing again. I do it too. I hate it when I catch myself doing it. It's always such a hassle to keep up with all the lies, and it leads to such greater problems.

What's so difficult about honesty? I can use the excuse for Emily and I that we were in high school and we were still learning about how to deal with people. How to live. That excuse only goes so far though.

Like the other night. I was invited to go play cards with some people, and I was looking forward to it. But I got lost and couldn't find the apartment. And I couldn't admit it! I called and claimed I was tired and didn't feel like going out anymore. Why didn't I just say "I'm lost"? I'm going to make a point to confess at work.

Why do I do these things? I think in that case I was nervous about hanging out with new people. I really did get lost though. I suck at directions.

So! A New Years resolution. Be more honest. Yes I know, it's April, but a new year happens every day.

Why did I choose to be so honest in this open online diary! I wish I could have written this down under lock and key somewhere so that I could pretend to always have been 100% honest. HAHA I guess that defeats the entire purpose. At least I'll always be able to laugh at myself!

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