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2003-04-24 - 11:26 a.m.

I just had kind of a weird experience. I wrote this big complaining email to the object of my affection and he happened to show up online. I then debated whether or not to send it to him. It was all about how sick I am of guys lying and me lying to myself about what guys are really saying to me, and I'm not sure what exactly I expected out of it. Probably for him to write back and confess his own undying love. Well maybe "hope" not "expect" is a better term. Then AOL refused to send the email and even kicked me offline! But as he just writes to me over IM, the email sent anyway. Now all I want to do is take it back. It's not a particularly bad email. It's just not CHARMING. Emily, I'm failing. I guess this experience isn't as mystical as I thought it was since it sent in the first place, I was going to go on about how sometimes life guides you into the choices you make, even something trivial like sending an email or not. I think I missed life's signal here.

When did I become such a chick? I'm reminding myself of Christine. I think it could be because I'm just starting to be honest with myself instead of burying all these silly feelings.

So I'm being honest. How is this supposed to be a good thing again? Is it supposed to help in some way? Maybe it does in some way I'm unaware of. If I had been totally honest with Rick, would we be together now? I found all his old love letters in my car yesterday. "I love you forever." Whatever.

Dave's cooking me breakfast now. Why can't I just fall in love with HIM? It'd make things so much easier, but alas, there's no forcing these things.

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