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2003-04-25 - 11:08 p.m.

I was betrayed today. Actually I'm not sure how long this betrayal has been going on. It just pisses me off. Why do people think they can get away with the things they do? What makes them do it? I know people don't always have reasons for the things they do. God knows I wish I had reasons for all of my actions. My action/response in this case was to just say the hell with it and let him know I wasn't going to stand for it. It doesn't matter how I feel about him. I refuse to be treated like a toy to show off again. Fuck it. I'll get over the disappointment. Eventually.

It's partially my fault anyway. "Each betrayal begins with trust," right Phish? How much did I really know about this guy to trust him so much anyway? But I won't go through life that way, doubting everyone just because I happen to have only met liars and secret assholes so far. So I don't have any regrets in how I acted or felt just because of the way I feel now. How painful! Though I'll probably be staying away from the scene for awhile because of this lastest episode in my life series of complete failures with men.

I wonder if I should have asked for his side of the story. It's usually a good practice. I can't see anyone talking their way out of this one, though. Is it worth it to ask him? I ask myself. My response this morning was hell no! How much are you going to give this guy? sigh... it just figures! I haven't met anyone like this in so long and he turns out to be just like the rest of them. Screw it all!

I had the experience recently of talking with a friend of mine about certain things that make me take note of my own mortality. It makes things like this seem so trivial. So what if I'm alone! I'm alive! I could live to be 80 and then some! Will I remember this when I'm 80?? Ha! I'll just lump it all together with all my other disappointments. There's so much in this world to be too hung up over one thing. One person.

Two other things happened today. One was that Dave left to go back to San Antonio. He'll be back in town late May for his court date. Perhaps a blessing in disguise, his arrest last week? I miss him already, although I don't miss him kicking my ass in Boggle, or my inability to get anything accomplished except to go have fun playing mini putt while he's around. Two was that I went and got some coffee before work with a coworker of mine while at Borders. I used his coffee to get a free coffee because I had 9 stamps on my card and it was a buy 10 get one free, so I really feel like I was able to cheat the system somehow. I don't know why it amuses me so much. We walked around Borders and pointed out our favorite books to each other, and I think I might have made a coffee buddy. The only thing is that I'm getting the vibe from him, and frankly I'm so sick of that scene that I'm going to remain chaste for the next 10 years at least. Well probably not. But it's going to have to be some damn impressive guy to convince me otherwise. Shit I just stepped on my printer and now it's making angry noises at me. This printer is probably a man reincarnated.

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