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2003-05-29 - 5:23 p.m.

The pt test that I was so nervous about I even dreamed about it went okay. I came back and took a shower, and slept for a few hours. I used to be so fast and strong. I can get there again if I choose to. Hopefully Patrick really will go running with me. I wonder about him sometimes.

I went out with Jon yesterday and I'm going out with him again tonight. I have mixed feelings about him. He's a nice guy and I enjoy spending time with him, but there's no magical spark. I can't tell if I think this because he's leaving June 6th for 6 months and I'm unwilling to set myself up for disappointment again; or if it's because we really just don't belong together; or if it's because I'm still so hung up on Cody; or if it's because I don't find him very physically attractive. I know I don't find him attractive because he has no confidence in himself. He has a beautiful personality but he carries himself as though he doesn't. Not to mention my goal of celibacy for 6 months. We'll see what happens; right now I'm letting life flow through me and see where it takes me. Instead of forcing anything I'm going to take events as they come and try to learn to be a better observer. I observe that he wants me but is maybe shy? I can't tell.

So far, letting life flow through me and being one with the events around me has been an incredibly positive thing. I laughed out loud at myself outside my apartment for the first time in a long time. I've been enjoying the people around me a lot more, and I think I've been far more enjoyable to be around. I've been going out a lot more, which has had a very positive impact on me. I think diaryland has also had a positive affect on me. It's so much easier to type things out than to write them. One gift Georgia has given me. Typing abilities.

I bought a new clay bowl for my hookah, as my other one is missing. I called Sean and asked him if I'd left my clay bowl over at his apartment, and he said no, but I might have left it over at Linda's. Instead of giving me her number, he offered to check for me after he got off work. My former unobservant self wouldn't have noticed this. He probably doesn't need an excuse to see her anyways, but took the oppertunity to be provided with one. At any rate, I ordered a new clay bowl, and while I was on the site I decided to order some plastic seals, and then I decided to order some tobacco, when I figured may as well try out the fancy tobacco, and I ordered two kinds. $50 later I remembered I'm trying NOT to put money on my credit card. This is money that could go towards my dream of bumming around for awhile! It will be nice to have some tobacco other than mint for a change, though.

Live in the now!

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