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2003-05-31 - 10:01 a.m.

I had a dream I woke up from in the middle of the night, and my first thought was that I have to remember it to write it down in the morning. Naturally, I have forgotten it completely; all I remember is telling myself to remember it.

Since I've been keeping a dream diary, I haven't been remembering my dreams well. It is very strange, how easy it is to forget a dream. Like flying a kite you barely looked at, but losing the string, and the most distinguishing detail you can remember about it is that you once had a kite. Actually, it's nothing like that at all. Who buys a kite and forgets to look at it? Besides, flying a kite is fucking impossible, from what I remember. Dreaming comes naturally.

Jon and I had a discussion about life and death the other night, which I will attempt to paraphrase here.

He said his sister is a [I can't remember... maybe Presbyterian or something like this] and they believe in predestination. Since God is all knowing, he knows what decisions you're going to make in your life, so whether you're going to heaven or hell has been decided before you were born. I said that sounded like a great excuse to me; oh well, I've been going to hell since before I was born, might as well rape, pillage, murder, and generally take advantage of everything. I asked him what he thinks happens to people after they die, and he said he hasn't put much thought into it. I felt this was a perfect oppertunity to share my thoughts on the matter and force him to think a little bit. I love thinking about this shit. Doesn't it strike anyone else as odd that from the dawn of time, all of the collective human consciousness hasn't yet been able to figure out what really happens to us when we die? All of our technology, all of our philosophy and religion, on and on since the first sentient thoughts... we still don't have a clue? If we wanted to be honest with ourselves, at any rate. I know that just about all religions claim to have figured the fuck out of it, and they've got all the answers. Too bad they're all different. That should be any religious follower's first clue right there, that maybe there's more to it than your heaven and hell. I've got nothing against religion and believing in these things, the concept of religion is so beautiful. Now I tangent back into what I was originally going to write about. I don't believe in heaven and hell. If we're lucky enough to squeeze 80 years out of our body, would some all powerful being really sentence us to burn in hell for ALL ETERNITY based on the mistakes we made on earth? What's 80 years when compared with FOREVER. What kind of shitty deity would really do that, if God's supposed to be so loving and caring. Sorry, you fucked up your one chance to understand it. Go to HELL... FOREVER. Or; good job! Eternal happiness is your reward. Come sing hosannas and stuff to me. This is something Jon brought up also. What kind of deity would create a race of beings [such as humans] for the purpose of worshiping it? If God's so allpowerful, does he really need us to be so prostrate and such sheep-like followers, literally worshiping Him? What about the 9 thrones of angels, and the first throne's only purpose is to circle God for ETERNITY and sing a certain hosanna... seems quite egocentric to me, which from what I understand is a kind of sin in some circles. Some dude with a hard on for abject worshiping probably came up with that crap. SO: heaven and hell, basically out. I think that the idea of purgatory is far more likely; exacting revenge on yourself because you feel guilty for whatever it is you did in your life that you never resolved. But nothing holds you there except yourself and your own desire to be purified. I think we're here as a part of a journey; we've lived before, and there'll be more after this. Part of our lessons to be learned here is that we have no knowledge of where we've been or any benefit of previous lessons, we're just here on Earth, living, with no concrete proof of a higher power, no idea about the future, no clue what happens when we die. What are we gonna do NOW? What a cool lesson. And when we die here, we are told either naw man, you fucked it up. Try again; and we have another shot here on Earth. Or: right on! You got it. Next level. It's here when I said this that Jon laughed and made some kind of video game allegory. At any rate, I think there's so much more to all of this than just our one life here on Earth. And I definetly believe in a higher power. I have felt it, and the feeling I receive is not originating from me. It is an incredibly benevolent force that while we cannot be it, we can draw from it. Positive energy.

Patrick is the one who turned me on to the idea of energy. I think I would have figured it out eventually myself, but it's nice to have been told it because I can articulate myself better much sooner. It's all energy, and if we can learn to let it flow through us, we can learn to direct it; but not the other way around. We all try to direct it without any understanding of what we're attempting to control, and it becomes a big clusterfuck. Patrick thinks that we never are in control, and we need to learn how to let go. I think we can be in a sort of semi-control, but we have to learn how to let go first.

Anyways I'm going now. MOre later.

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