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2003-06-04 - 2:48 p.m.

My two cats are purring and walking in front of the computer screen and trying to sit on my lap, and doing other mildly irritating cat things, but I indulge them since I haven't been around lately. I've been spending time with Jon almost exclusively this past week, since he was going to be on a mission in Columbia for six months, leaving on Friday. I'm not sure if I'm going to be here six months from now, when he was going to get back. We saw that this might be the only time we have together, and decided to take advantage of it. This morning he got a phone call; the mission is cancelled. I panicked for a second; I would never have jumped into this if he was going to be around for awhile. This guy isn't exactly what you'd call "thrilling," that elusive feeling I've only had with three people in this lifetime so far. I promised myself that I would never settle for anything less ever again; I also promised myself I would be celibate for the next 6 months, at least.

So what the hell am I doing?

It all comes back to the idea of letting life come to me and flow through me, picking up and receiving the energy of others, and making decisions from there. Did I make the right decision? I think so, but I'm going to have to see how this plays out to be sure.

Jon is a nice sweet readhead from Western Georgia, and if nothing else, being with him has been a new experience and has taught me a few things. I'm not sure if I anticipate this not working out because I'm pessimistic or because we're just not meant for anything other than a breif liason. Or probably because I still really only want Cody. Oh well... what the fuck can you do. Every time shit like this happens, where something I really want is so God damn impossible, I think of my parents singing "You Can't Always Get What You Want" and I'm six years old again, sitting in the back of our blue dodge, pouting.

I wasn't going to write anything about Jon in here, because each time I was about to, he happened to knock on my door to see if I wanted to go to lunch. I was thinking at first that this was a sign not to write anything. Or perhaps the second time around I had been thinking so intensely about how he knocked on my door last time I was writing, that it caused this idea to manifest itself, and voila, there he was. I'm trying to cultivate the power of will. I got bit by an ant yesterday and I'm willing my allergic reaction to go away so I won't have to go to the ER. It might be working; it's not as bad of a reaction as I'm used to having. I can't clench my fist though because my hand is too swollen. Power of will. Or is it Will to Power in this case? At any rate, I decided he was somebody I should write about for future reference's sake.

I finally went running with Patrick last night. He told me that Mondays and Fridays he'd be available to run with after work. Normally I run by myself, but in this Georgia heat that I'm so unaccustomed to, running at night when it's cooler feels so much better. The only problem is that I think running at night here is a bad idea, for safety reasons. Last night, an SUV pulled up and sat there for awhile while we were doing sit-ups, and then drove away. If Patrick hadn't been there it would have scared the shit out of me. As strong and independent as I aim to be, reality tells me that any man could have his way with me because I really wouldn't be too difficult to overpower, no matter how much eye-gouging and groin kicks I tried.

This is the first time Patrick and I have run together, because for whatever reason, he's backed out on me every other time. (Actually I only did some lunges and some sprints; I was tired out and dehydrated from the day's previous activites.) I wanted to make the effort to run with him yesterday because I want us to get in this habit; I'm tired of being out of shape. I also really enjoy spending time with him. When I'm around him, our energy builds off each other rapidly, and he's opened my mind to some new ways of thinking. He's got the perfect cheekbones for a painting I want to do. I want to paint an angel holding a bloody sword, with wings spreading out behind him that turn into flame near the tips. It's going to be around the cup holders in my van. The problem with this is that I'm not very good at drawing people without a model; I'm never satisfied with the results otherwise. I don't think his girlfriend would appreciate me asking him if I could take a picture of him with his shirt off, though, no matter how innocent.

See, if Cody were here, there would be no problems, because I could just take a picture of Cody, Jon would never have hit on me, I would never have ran with it, and I wouldn't have so much uncertainty in my soul right now. See how I'm trying to blame it on him? Sigh... I can be such a chick sometimes.

I had a dream about Dave yesterday, how I cussed him out and told him everything I was thinking about telling him when he was supposed to call me last month. I thought he would since A) I have some of his shit here and the purpose of the phone call was going to be so he could get it back, B) if what he was saying was true, I thought he might want to see me one last time and C) he said he would. Ha! Not like that man's word is worth anything. I'm throwing his shit out today. Good riddance. I'm try not to judge anybody, but if he doesn't make some changes in his life and the way he treats people, he'll be a miserable excuse for a human being for the rest of his days.

AND yesterday, the paperwork went through. I am officially a free woman. Goodbye, Jake.

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