2003-07-15 - 12:32 p.m.
I spent last night in the emergency room. Not because I was sick or hurt. Not because of any physical pain. Jake called me and told me he needed me to take him there because he was going to kill himself. I raced over to his apartment, running red lights, thinking I'd find him in a pool of his own blood. When I arrived, he was fine. In a manner of speaking.
Earlier in the night, he showed up at my apartment, right before I was about to go to sleep. Telling me the same things he told me the previous days. How we should get back together, how much he misses me, the little stuff like petting the cats and buying groceries. How well he'd treat me, and how much he loves me. I looked into his eyes, and I saw it all to be true. But I cannot go back to him. I could, but I would be miserable, and eventually he would be too.
But is my misery so much more important than his? When I told him I thought it was a bad idea to get back together, I saw him crumble and die inside. He collapsed and started crying uncontrollably. I am the evilest person alive. When he was able to control his tears a little better, he left my apartment. I called a friend of his because I wanted to make sure Jake would be alright, but I didn't think I was the right person to make sure of it. I wasn't able to get a hold of anyone. I thought about calling someone, anyone, and asking to crash at their place for the night, because I'm not exactly sure what Jake is capable of when he's at his worst. Thank God I didn't, since it wasn't too long after that Jake called me and I took him to the emergency room.
Talk about hell. Three hours in a little room with him, listening to all of the reasons why we should get back together, how much he loves me, and how it is I don't love him anymore. How he had better not see me out with anyone or he'll flip out and probably try to kill the man I'm with. Listening to him recount all the good times we had together. Hearing and seeing how much he's hurting because of me. He says there's nothing in life for him without me. All this inbetween fits of severe crying.
I don't know what to do. I feel awful. What's the best way to go? I talked to Dina and Jen a little bit about it at work earlier this weekend, and they both pretty much told me that you have to do what's best for you sometimes. But who's to say Jake's happiness isn't more important than my own? I'm ruining his life. I was alternately told that I was the best and worst thing that ever happened to him, last night at the hospital.
Cpt Downs came and picked him up, and Jake stayed at his place last night, since that's how the airforce conducts suicide watches. He saw a psychiatrist this morning. He called me but I chose not to answer the phone this morning. I guess he's going to have some more counseling done. I wonder if he doesn't need more than that.
I want to help him so much, but I don't want to give him what he's asking. I doubt I'm even capable of it. I'd just be lieing to him.
So yeah, I'm going to be more worthless than usual at work today. I hate bringing this shit to work with me, and I hate that I brought it up to Dina and Jen. But it's hard to go through this alone. It's easier to be left than it is to leave someone. When people have left me in the past, I've been able to deal with it and move on. How to leave someone you still care about?
I hope Jake finds something to hold onto in this life besides me. What am I supposed to do? What can I do? How to make him see?
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