2003-09-07 - 11:01 p.m.
I had posted something earlier today, but alas, the entry is gone, lost in the mysterious place-that-is-not-a-place, aka cyberland. Dammit.
I have a raging headache due to a very large zit that is pressing into my skull. I don't mind being unsightly (who the fuck do I plan on impressing), but when zits cause headaches is where I draw the line. Well! A lot of good that stand is going to do. I can draw lines all day long, it's not going to change the fact I have a giant zit. I'm also annoyed that it's casting its own shadow. ouch, ouch
Sometimes pain has a way of clarifying things. Or maybe it's just coincidence.
I realized while talking to Sean today just how alienated I feel here. This is making me not only a generally grouchy person to be around, but also very selfish. I seem to remember a time when I was happier. Smiling and laughing while I was hanging out with people was the norm. When has it become the exception? I've made a lot of mistakes while I've been here, and naturally I'm to blame for these. I've chosen to be alone on more than one occasion. I think part of why I can't relate to anyone here is because I choose not to. I make little effort to establish a connection with anyone. Most of the time it's because the people I meet are so far removed from the way it is I think that I decide it would be a waste of time. Shouldn't I feel like I have more peers here? All these people are around my age. And by saying peers, I don't mean to think I'm better than any of them. I really try not to!
There's a whole group of people who think Half Baked is one of the greatest movies of our time, and feel the need to consitantly quote that movie. I personally cannot stand to be in the room for more than 3 seconds when Half Baked quotes start flying.
There again! Intolerance! I wonder why I can't make a connection with anyone here, I see things in people here that I don't agree with or don't choose to waste any energy or time with the things they like, so they start talking about those things that I don't like, and I immediately assume they're entirely too different from me, which makes me wonder why I can't make a connection with anyone... and so on.
That's a shaky hypothesis, though. I admit now that a person like me has no place in the military, and no place with the majority of the people in it. And that's fine, I'm not better or worse, just different. But it's time I start thinking about where the problem is with ME, not everyone else so much. They're all amiable people.
Perhaps the word "problem" is a misnomer. Is it a problem? It WOULD be nice to have more pals here. (If Josh is reading this, quit thinking "what about me?" I acknowledge your presence here.)
Stream of consciousness style, flyin in your face and making little to no sense!
I think I'm going to make myself some toast, stare at this zit and hope it goes away, and then go to bed. Maybe not in that order.
�
