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2003-09-10 - 10:29 p.m.

I'm listening to Apollo 18. (Or is it 13? I've never been able to remember. That They Might Be Giant's CD) Actually, my CD player's on shuffle, and some of the songs off that CD keep popping up. I like to put that CD in whenever I put my CD player on shuffle, because of all the 10 second songs on it. I haven't listened to this CD in years, I realized. Strange how music, and certain songs in particular, can transport you back in time in a way that no other medium can.

That song "What's that blue thing doing here?" came on, and it made me think of Nightcrawler singing "What's that glue thing doing here?" at stage crew. Who knows what year? Then "Dig my grave" came on, and I thought about how that song's the worst song on the CD. Suddenly, I thought about Nightcrawler again and remembered us having a conversation about how that was the worst song, and him saying that it was nice of them to put the bad song at the very beginning so you could just easily skip past it. That thought made me smile. Did I smile back then, too? Hearing those songs again after all this time brought those images up before my mind so clearly, it was like I was reliving it. Just thinking about it now makes for a poor comparison.

I learned something today. I don't mean that I simply heard somthing and learned it. I mean I really KNOW it.

Most of the time, attraction doesn't work both ways for me. Either I'm attracted to someone but they have no interest in me, or vice versa. I think this is how it works for most people. And whenever I'm into someone but there's no return of affection, I always go through the cycle of: What's wrong with them? Why don't they want to be with me? What's wrong with ME? Why isn't he attracted to me? Somewhat more rarely, I wonder: how come I'm not attracted to them? Why not? I can't come up with any decent reason. Today it really hit me: nothing's wrong with anyone! There's no rules of attraction. People are repulsed by other people for reasons sometimes as vague as when they find someone attractive. How many times have I thought, man why do I like this guy so much? He's a total asshole. Or: why am I so dead to any emotions towards this person? He's a hell of a guy. AND I bet sometimes people think this about me, too. Well maybe not so much as: man she's a great gal, but I just can't bring myself to like her. But really, there's no specific reason; there's just no attraction for me, no matter what I do. It doesn't mean I've done or said something wrong.

This may seem all very obvious to whoever's reading this. But do you really KNOW it? Next time you fall madly in love with someone, or lust at the least, I DARE you to consider this: they're not interested, and there's no concrete reason.

I'm recalling now a conversation Emily and I had. Or more specifically something she told me. Emily was dating someone for awhile, Sprite, and he broke up with her ostensibly because she cut her hair. At least, that's the reason he gave her: she got a bad haircut. We all agreed that this was a lousy reason at the time. Later, Emily said to me, maybe he didn't have any reason at all that he could think of, he just wanted to break up with me. Maybe he just said that so he could have a concrete thing to say to me, so I could have a reason to hold on to as to why he didn't want to be with me anymore. So he used the excuse of the haircut. And it's true! People do want a concrete reason when they're being dumped. Somehow "I'm not attracted to you anymore" doesn't cut it. Why? Isn't that the best possible reason?

In any case, this sudden, real knowledge made me feel much better about some things today. Now I can finally reconcile the realization of the wonderful person I can be with the knowledge that not everyone else sees me that way, or loves me as much as I do.

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