2003-10-02 - 8:55 p.m.
Today I hung out with Jake at Borders a little. He called and asked if I wanted to meet him there, and I thought sure, what the hell. Things were going well, he was purposely antagonizing me as usual, but I invited him back to my apartment anyway.
OF COURSE, I should have known that the whole reason he wanted to hang out with me was because he "talked with someone" and heard yet another thing about Rick and I that he decided to throw in my face.
Now, I understand I made some mistakes, and I've explained things a million times, and he's beat me up over it and given me plenty of guilt trips, and I've atoned for everything that did and did not happen a million times over. He acts like he was so perfect! He treated me like shit on a daily basis. But do I bring this up? NO! The relationship is over! Done! There's no sense in talking about it for the millionth time! I was thinking about this and got fairly annoyed. Jake said, "Well, I guess I'm gonna go, since you're pissed off." I agreed and told him that I wished I could hang out with him just ONCE without him mentioning Rick, and he said he's not sorry because I deserve to feel bad.
I DESERVE TO FEEL BAD?!
It was all I could do to not open the door to my apartment and yell "FUCK YOU!" to him, after Jake left the apartment with a flourish, by slamming the apartment door. But I felt that would be childish, and there would be no point. There is no way I could possibly "deserve to feel bad" about any of it anymore. And I don't!
This little episode of his made me realize how done with Jake I am, how he can't make me feel guilty anymore, because I don't feel bad for what happened, and he can't make me feel that way. The only thing I feel even slightly bad about anymore is that I stayed with Jake for so long! It wasn't a total waste of time, though. As they say, you learn the best from your mistakes. Looking at it in that light, I learned from Jake more than anyone else I've ever been with. Ever.
So even though I still can't believe he'd say that I deserve to feel bad (what the shit is that all about? he needs to fucking GET OVER IT), the good thing to come out of it is that he completely lost any power over me he had that was left. Also, this burst of emotions on my part helped me to run a pretty fast two mile on the treadmill, and I lifted more weight than ever before. Nothing like working out after a confrontation like that one.
Yeah, I'll sleep well tonight.
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