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2003-10-02 - 10:16 a.m.

Patrick is leaving on Saturday, and I went to Borders with him yesterday afternoon. I used to hang out with him a few months back, but then I felt patronized and declined to initiate anything with him. Now I see what a mistake that was. He's a little full of himself, to be sure, but that's a part of who he is. A lot easier to be around than someone who's full of themselves as an act, but secretly hates who they are. I think Patrick really loves himself. The way he talks and the things he likes to talk about are different from everyone else in this area.

We spent some time talking about who people really are. He thinks that everything is one, from the inanimate things like my harp case, to the trees outside, to him and me. It's all just different examples of energy. He likened a life to a wave in the ocean. Waves are seperate entities but still a part of the ocean, and when a wave dies, does it really die? The ocean is still there. To be enlightened isn't some kind of amazing accomplishment; it's recognizing you're a part of this ocean. Not even a part: you ARE the ocean in a sense, because there is no individuality. But to touch that source is to lose what it means to be human. It's a good thing to recognize it, but to stay with that feeling all the time is to stop being human. And being human is beautiful. He was telling me he can touch it when he dances, and occasionally when he does a few other things, but it's so hard sometimes, and there has to be a better way to do it. We both agreed that the environment here is not conducive to it.

Something else he said that I think is important is what he said about social interaction. He said that people who walk into a room and don't give a shit about what people think about them are people magnets. The person with the strongest personality and will can bend things to them. He gave me an example of walking into a room and two girls blow him off and start talking about him. He'll think, damn, those poor girls are self-conscious about me, and go over and talk to them. And they'll forget about what they said two minutes ago, because he's throwing out all his cards on the table saying "this is Patrick" and he doesn't give a shit what they think of them. It's true! Most of the time, people are thinking about what other people are thinking about them. I fall into that trap a lot here, because I don't have any close friends, so I feel I have to make a good impression to fufill my social needs. He was also talking a bit about what it means to be successful, and how he feels sorry for the people who sit and work all the time at some job they didn't ever envision themselves doing, and they're just doing it because that's what came along. He says the people who take those risks, like him going out to live in Las Vegas just for the people, those are the interesting ones.

I'm excited for him to leave this area. I don't feel any loss since I think we'll keep in touch, and I'll see him again on my road trip this summer. In-sha-allah.

It's a beautiful thing to kiss someone like Patrick. Not many people are comfortable with the idea of just kissing or having sex with no strings attached, just to experience the other person, and touch part of what it means to be alive. People say they think this, but for the most part, there's always something in the back of their minds that says something else.

Patrick's a real character. When we both let go, which is easier for him than for me I think, I learn a lot from him. I don't necessarily agree with him, but it's SO fantastic to talk to someone who actually thinks and talks about something other than gossiping about the people we know, or how much they've had to drink, can drink, or plan on drinking, and other mundane things.

Hail and Farewell, Patrick.

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