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2003-11-29 - 11:39 p.m.

Today, I drove down to Savannah. I was running behind, so I was trying to get down there quickly. Alright, I was speeding. A lot. And I got pulled over. And got a ticket. And a court date. Which I fortunately can avoid. I have a feeling I know what I'll be asking for Christmas this year... speeding ticket please!

I was driving down to meet Chuck. I was posing for him today, for a nude picture of me I had commissioned. Which I think I wrote about yesterday; I can't remember and I'm too lazy to check right now. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I definetly wasn't expecting it to be so much fun. Chuck's a lot of fun to talk to, and very easy to be around. He took pictures of me in several poses, and he made coffee and we chatted for a long time. I stayed at his place for a lot longer than I had originally intended. Something he said that I don't want to forget: "I'm going to die. Not any time soon, hopefully, but soon enough. I'm not going to be getting any prize for suffering when it's all over with. Why waste time in some crappy job? Why wait till retirement to be happy?" This is a man who lives in a paint splattered half of a house. Very cluttered. But you can tell the person who lives there is happy.

Going down there was worth the ticket I got in doing so. I'm looking forward to seeing what paintings come of it.

Tonight's entry is an important one. This is my last night in Augusta. My last night in the army. And you know something? I'm sad.

This comes as a huge shock to me. About a year ago, around this time, I was wondering what I was still doing here. If it wasn't against the law for me to have left and gone AWOL, I would have left Augusta in a heartbeat. I had no friends, I hated my job, there's nothing in the area that's fun and unique... what was I doing here? I cried a lot. I struggled with being so unhappy, knowing that if I could just move my life would improve dramatically. But I was stuck! This might be why I have no patience for people who feel that they have to stay in a certain place or career field. If you're unhappy, do something about it! It's not illegal for YOU to quit.

In any case, the only way I was able to deal with being here in a positive manner was to conclude that there must be something that Augusta had yet to teach me. Even though I felt as though I'd learned everything I possibly could have from the military experience, I realized that there must be SOMETHING that would be worthwhile here. SOMETHING that would justify my existance in living here.

Sure enough, things started opening up for me. It took a few months, but eventually things started happening. Jake and I finally split for good. I went to FLTCE and met Cody. I discovered Savannah; Joe at Savannah Smiles, Chuck at the A.T. Hun gallery, River street. Jon. Jimmie. Patrick. And Josh. Especially Josh. Just getting to know him has made being here worthwhile. Sometimes I'm a scaredy-cat when it comes to feelings and emotions. I want to call Josh to say goodbye tonight, but that only cements the fact that I won't be able to go over to his apartment to watch a movie or play chess anymore. At least, it won't be a 10-15 minute drive away. It's just sad. I really love him too. I'm too chicken to actually say that to him, but I know he reads this, so I get around it in this way. Good friends are so hard to find.

I'm also extra emotional right now because it's that time of month for me. I don't act more grouchy or irritable around those times (no more than usual as far as I can tell) but I do cry easily. I've cried so much in this apartment because I was forced to be here. Who could have ever predicted that I would cry because I was leaving?

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