2003-12-02 - 8:57 a.m.
So my last night in Augusta really sucked for me. I ended up just waiting and waiting and waiting for Jimmie to show up. I felt sick. I had thought that he would be by around 1 a.m. at the latest, since he had to pick up a credit card he left at Modjeska's the night before, and also go to a party that for some reason he felt was very important to "make an appearance at" to use his own words. Getting off work just before 11, two hours should be enough. I guess spending time at a bar was more important than spending time with me, because he didn't come by until about 2:45. Then he left again to go to that party! And came back at 3:30. 3:30! My last night with him!
I was hurt and angry. While I was waiting for him, I thought about why I was so hurt. What did I think was going to happen? He TOLD me he was going to the bar and then to a party. I should have KNOWN that if you go to a bar with a friend, you're not going to just pick up the credit card you left there the night before. Even though I thought there was no way he would stay and have a few drinks, especially with a party to go to afterwards... AHHHHHH
I was hurt because I had thought he cared for me more than that. He'd rather spend time with Sean at a bar than with me. Well, God dammit. I wanted him to care more about me! Especially my last night in town. Even if he didn't care so much, he could have spent more time with me for my sake! I figured he must have done this to show me that he didn't care I was leaving. Who am I to be so hurt or angry? We both knew I was leaving. What did I expect? So, I didn't cry or yell or try to show how much I was hurt that night. We had the morning together, I wasn't leaving until 11. I figured we could talk more then.
BUT THEN! He slept until 10 in the morning!! At first I got up and packed some stuff up, and let him sleep. I woke him up to tell him I was going to the store. I came back and he was still sleeping. I went over and kissed him a few times. I did this a couple times. I tried to be loud. All those things that come with trying to wake someone up without actually waking them. I don't normally "test" people, and by that I mean do or say something to see how they'll react. I guess I did that morning. I wanted to see if he really cared I was leaving; maybe time did get away from him, like he claimed the night before. I figured, if he wanted to get up, I was making enough noise that he would. Not to mention I had woken him up to tell him I was going to the store... and he went back to sleep!
NOW I was really angry. And MORE hurt. OK, spending time with your friends is more important than spending time with me. That's fine. But SLEEP? YOU HAVE ALL DAY TO SLEEP! And THEN when he got up and said he was going to HIS place to pick up some stuff I had left over there! By himself! I didn't know what to say to him. So he left, and I was left alone waiting for him to get back to help me do some things and carry some stuff that I couldn't do by myself. And I was annoyed that I couldn't do them by myself. I would have preferred to not have to ask him for any help at that point. If he had woken up when I did, everything would have been taken care of so early... we could have gone out to breakfast. He even said the night before that he would be getting up with me! All these emotions inside me. Waiting for Jimmie to come back from the bar and then watching him sleep all morning while I packed by myself was NOT how I had intended on spending my last night in Augusta. I should have spent it with Josh. HE cares.
But, I also realized that these things I felt were not all entirely justified. I had to keep reminding myself that we both knew I was leaving. Jimmie told me several times that he was not going to get attached to me. He never said that he wanted to spend my last night in town with me; I just assumed he would want to. He never told me he cared in any way. I just hoped he did. I was glad I felt poorly about it because it showed that I cared, at least. I confess at the time I secretly gloated to myself about this, because it made me feel superior.
He came back, and helped me carry some stuff. I told myself that I wouldn't say all the mean things I wanted to say to him, because I didn't want to part on bad terms. I told myself I wouldn't cry or say all the nice things I wanted to say to him, because I didn't want him to know how hurt I was, or that I cared as much as I did. I had been hoping we would keep in touch and maintain SOME sort of relationship, but I saw that last day that wouldn't work out as I'd wanted it to. Since he showed me he didn't care. But I ended up crying. And I ended up wanting to say mean and petty things, but instead of saying them, I said "I want to say mean and petty things to you." He invited me to, but I didn't want to end on a poor note so badly. He hugged me, and I got into my van and cried for a little bit, and then drove away.
It just sucks when you're crazy about someone, and they don't return those feelings.
While Jimmie had been sleeping, and I was putting some stuff in my van and thinking about all of these things, I found some old love letters that Rick had written me, from years ago. I read them, and how he had written "I love you" and "I can't wait to spend our life together" and other sweet things. I was happy I found them, because it proved to me that he DID love me at one point... or wanted me to think he did. It also made me realize that I had FINALLY gotten over him; and I can get over Jimmie too. I realized Jimmie wouldn't be getting up any time soon by that point, so I grabbed a pen and wrote "Have a nice life. Love, Heather" on the card that said "I can't wait to spend our life together." I drove over to Rick's house (all these years and I still remembered how to get there) and put them in his mailbox, and drove away. I felt much better about a lot of things after I did this. It certainly brought some closure in my mind to my relationship with Rick.
Since that night/day, I've received an email from Jimmie that says nicer things. But I wanted to record how I felt on that particular morning.
My trip with Dad was nice. It was nice spending a lot of time with him. I was late in picking him up from Atlanta, but we met up with little difficulty. He drove the ENTIRE WAY TO CHICAGO that first night. We didn't get there until 4 in the morning; partly because of some bad traffic around Chattenooga, and partly because he wanted to stay at this casino in Chicago that he wasn't able to find. I was so tired, I was no help. He let me sleep for a lot of the way, which was nice of him. He gave up on the casino, and we stayed in a La Quinta. We brought the cats in, and the sleep was delicious.
The next day, we found the casino, and played craps for awhile. We lost, but we were up for awhile. I rolled a 10 and then a 7, and that was it for my shakes. Something else that happened was that while we were on our way to the casino, we passed by a high school that said "Home of the Maroons." I thought this was hilarious because I instantly thought of Bugs Bunny and him calling Elmer Fudd a maroon all the time. I wish I'd taken a picture! "Home of the Maroons" Ha!
The cats took the trip fairly well. Fletcher hid the whole time, and Jasmine was up front with us, wanting to be petted, or looking out the window, or crawling around just being curious.
Today, the cats are getting along ok with my parents cats, which is to say there has been no major fights yet. Just some growling on Jazz and Mikey's part. My cats, Jasmine and Fletcher, are now exploring. Even Fletcher! The scaredy cat he is. Jasmine came out of the laundry room with cobwebs all over her head; lord only knows where she's been.
It's around noon, and I'm still in my pajamas. All alone in the house, with the cats. No deeds to do, no promises to keep. I think I'll have some waffles and some hot chocolate. Maybe some egg nog.
Welcome back to Minnesota!