2004-03-04 - 10:18 p.m.
My name is an anagram of heres sweetheart. Sometimes I feel like that. Every once in a while something will happen to make me look back on my past relationships and think: what the hell? Was I just a convenient piece of ass? Was I lied to, or was that what they really thought at the time? Do I let myself be used? It becomes one of those uncomfortable situations where I care more about someone else than they do about me. I look at everything negatively and feel poorly about myself. I feel jealous and hurt and angry and depressed. I feel like I wasted my time with some people. What a terrible thing to think about time spent with another human being!
Heres sweetheart. For tonight or for a week or however long you want me. Because I'm gullible enough to believe anything you tell me!
Of course, I don't really think this. Only when something hits me and I get confused and don't know how to take it. I go through a bunch of negative emotions, but I always end up thinking: your loss.
Even with Rick. I was thinking about Mexico today when I suddenly realized that I had been thinking about Mexico a lot without him ever entering my mind. We had always talked about running away to Mexico together, and I saw that country as a sort of shangri-la where him and I are still together. An unattainable paradise. And here I am about to go to Mexico. Without him! And you know what? I couldn't be happier about it.
Nobody likes to feel neglected or uncared for. No one wants to feel let down or misunderstood. Or unloved. But these things make us able to relate to others and the experiences they've had with neglect and disappointment with people. True connections are formed more from negative events we can understand and empathize with than the positive experiences we have in common. What's happened in the past helps me to be more appreciative of the present, and when things finally go right.
Would I be able to understand what Jimmie went through with Jessica if I hadn't had my heart crushed by some of the men from my past? Would I be able to understand Josh's irritation over MJ if I hadn't been treated in the same way at one point? (He's still way too nice to her. Or maybe I have less patience for that sort of treatment from people these days.) Would I really feel as lucky and happy to be with Jimmie if I had only experienced the kind way he treats me previously to this?
In one day I went from feeling like I'm living and doing it all wrong to feeling exactly the opposite. In large part due to a sponaneous gift of carmel apples. My mistakes and poor experiences really have had a purpose.
Heres sweetheart. It's not such a bad name after all.