2004-04-05 - 9:19 p.m.
A year ago today I started this journal. I was reading some of the older entries, and thinking about how glad I am that I kept this diaryland thing going. There's a lot of little things I forgot about. I wrote in April of last year that Emily is incapable of letting me get away with even the slightest deceit, little knowing that later on that year she'd decide to more or less end our friendship based on that same thing.
I noticed that even right after Garmisch, Cody was rather less than communicative, and even back then I knew that I cared about him more than he did me. Should it have been any surprise when he practically ignored me 11 months later when he was doing as much a mere month after we'd met? Sadly yes, it was a surprise to me. These days we no longer read each other's diaries. Even though I'm very sad about the way things turned out, it's just as well for me. Looking back on what I wrote about him it's easy to see how much I built up in my mind over so little. It's a surprise he wrote to me as long as he did, although God knows my heart skipped a beat every time I saw an email from him in my inbox. A year later, I can say with honesty that we'll never see each other again, and that's not a bad thing at all. He's such an incredibly negative person.
I look back on my relationship with Jon and what I wrote, and I remember how much fun it was. I was wondering recently why it was that it was easier for me to let him go than most other people, and after I read my older entries I saw that we had known all along that he was going to get orders at any moment, and getting those orders would pretty much be the death of anything we had. No wonder I tried to keep such emotional distance.
I tried the same thing with Jimmie, and by that I mean keeping my feelings guarded since we knew I was leaving, but I think the difference here is that we're not only on the same continant but we've been seeing each other every 2 months, or making plans to do so. I got us some Blink 182 concert tickets for when he's in town next month; I really enjoy doing things for him because he seems to appreciate it. So many people take acts of kindness for granted.
So this past year I've been lucky enough to have had 3 loves in my life, and I've learned from them all.
I met a lot of people this last year and started hanging out with an entirely new group of people. The best thing to come out of that is of course Josh, my future roommate. It's funny to read back and see how I was unsure how to deal with him since I knew he liked me. It's also hilarious to see how much I liked Sean at one point and how frustrated I was with him. Not to mention how I felt the need to make a point of writing that I'd never sleep with Patrick. I never thought that Sean and I would develop a sort of pleasant mutual dislike, Patrick and I would completely lose touch, and Josh of all people would become my best friend in Augusta. AND on top of all that I'd end up with Jimmie!
I'd forgotten most of how terrible it was to have Jake constantly showing up in the middle of the night, drunk and wanting company of a sort. Or at least I'd banished those horrible nights to a corner of my mind where I could remember them all as a sort of vague unplesantness. I remember now after reading some older entries how he'd decided that he wanted me back and how he took the news that I no longer wanted him. I decided out of respect for him not to record all the lies he told about me on a public forum, but now I wonder why I was so nice to him.
One bad thing about this is that some people have read this diary in the past year and have taken serious offense. I don't see this as a form of communication with anyone other than myself, and I decided to write in this open manner instead of a locked diary because I felt that I had nothing to hide. I still don't feel that I do, but it's starting to bother me when someone asks me how such and such a trip was when I know they don't read my diary, and I realize that someone reads it and reports on it to other people. It takes away any form of communication from me and it sort of bothers me that instead of asking me how I'm doing, they'll ask someone who reads my diary. Or they'll read it themselves. What the hell is that all about? It's a strange and unpredicted side-effect.
Altogether, this past year has been extremely eventful. I've been all over the United States, I was discharged from the army and moved back home after 5 years of being away, I met a great artist in Savannah, I've made and lost friends. I think about Cody more than anyone in this regard, since he was the one who introduced me to diaryland in the first place. I have this nagging feeling that if we could just sit down and talk without pretense we might be able to patch things up. But I just tried that with him last month, and I left feeling insulted. Such a shame. No more a shame than Jon leaving for Columbia when he did, although at least we still exchange emails, and I really enjoy hearing from him. And all of these things lead me to appreciate what's happening with Jimmie a lot more than I would have otherwise.
An entire year gone by since I started this diary. I didn't mean to emphasize all the people I've dated this past year so much; I guess it's been on my mind lately. So has Emily; Jacob made a comment how he got a call from her because she was searching for a mysterious person who called her cell phone and has her friends ring tone, and had I heard from her about it? I said no, but I doubt I would since I doubt she has me as a friend on her cell phone these days. Jacob said he knew I would say that and was appalled that I would, and I was appalled at the truth of it myself. There's nothing doing for people who can't accept me for who I am though, except to continue to be nice to them whenever it is that I see them. In the unlikely event that I see Cody again I'll probably be nice to him, although I admit I'll probably have the urge to tell him that he's not superior just because he sees the world in an odious light, and the world would be a better place without his negativity. In all likelihood, I'd just think this, and say hi and how are you and what are you up to today etc. Because I'd be more interested in what he was up to and how he was feeling than telling him how I felt. I was nice to Jake when I saw him breifly in Augusta last month, although almost no one has made me feel worse about myself than he has.
Maybe tomorrow I'll think more on this year's events. It won't be here though. I'm not sure if I'll continue this diaryland thing in such a manner. It's caused a lot of trouble with a lot of people who misread or misinterpret what I have to say, and in the end, I don't know if it's worth it. When Jon confessed to reading this diary, he said that everyone has a right to their own opinion and he learned long ago that people won't see him the way he sees himself, so I should just tell people to grow up if they're not liking what I'm writing. I agree with him, but alas not many people are like him.
Enough reminiscing. Today, for posterities sake, I'm happy. I hung out with TJ and a friend of his on Friday night and it was a lot of fun. I went over to someone else's apartment with Jay Ar on Saturday night, and met a couple guys who are starting their own comic book company. Sunday, I sat on a blanket in the park and played Boggle with Dana and Jacob. As previously mentioned, I bought Jimmie and I Blink 182 tickets, and I'm furiously looking forward to his visit in May. I'm also looking forward to college and living with Josh in the fall in Columbus. We're going to have a great time.
Last year at this time I felt like I was looking down into a black hole that my whole life was sinking into, with no way out and no way for things to get better. Everything about that has changed, and I these days I look forward to a future that seems against all odds to continually get better.