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2003-04-30 - 3:24 p.m.

I'm in the best mood that I've been in since Friday morning, about 1 a.m.! Days go by slowly when you're upset and waiting for something that will never come. For future reference, these past days have seemed like a long time.

Today I was driving to Borders and hit every red light, was honked at, and I had to take the long way around to get there. I was debating on whether or not to just go to the grocery store and skip it, but I love going to Borders or Barnes and Noble, or really any book store and getting coffee. I felt like I needed some quality time with me. Now every time I go to Borders lately, I check for a CD by Dispatch that had been stolen from me. I don't mind so much when music gets stolen because I feel like I'm sharing my musical tastes with the world. The only thing about this CD is that it's hard to find at stores, and I'm trying hard not to put anything on my credit card. TODAY I got some coffee and walked over to the CD section, and there was the CD! Bang Bang. They also had Silent Steeples, which I also bought. Then I decided to buy two books by Paul Theroux which I have been trying hard not to buy since I am on a book budget. But I thought, why not, I'm already spending $30 on CD's. So I hid the CDs in the store so no one else would buy them while I was gone, and ran to an ATM, where I discovered I had about $1000 more in the bank than I thought that I did. (I remember now dreaming about going to an ATM and only having x amount of money and mistook this dream for reality. What a stupid dream to have.)

This is really a very little thing to have happen in a life, but the event of finding these CDs made me very happy, not to mention the acquisition of two new books. Having this sudden rush of happiness made me realize in truth how down I've been lately. I'm going to try to do something that makes me happy every day, and I'm not talking about buying myself things. Tomorrow I think I'm going to do some painting in my van maybe. Today I'm going to play mini putt also. Life experiences.

Something else I'd like to record at this moment is that I'm going to remain chaste for the next 6 months. Maybe longer. Hugs are ok, but that's all. I create worlds for myself that are impossible to live in and it is tiring to my soul to be let down by the people of my imagination. Should I be so upset that I found out someone was a kiss-and-tell kind of guy, or the guy who was lude to me about it? Who am I to tell people what they can and cannot do; aren't my emotions my own responsibility? I'm hoping a way to get them under control is to stop sleeping with people I get attached to or am attracted to. So far such actions on my part have only led to my greif and leads me to believe impossible things.

I'm going to finish this entry later. I need to play mini putt exactly at 4.

OK I'm back. I beat Woodke in both mini putt games! Perhaps he had the last laugh, because I was the one who paid for the groceries for dinner and made it, and I will be the one to do the dishes. But I don't mind, in fact I offered this to him; I like making and having dinner with someone else, very much. I think this is because when I was growing up, dinner was always a social event for my family. I'm told after I moved out, they all stopped having dinner together, which is kind of sad to me. Then again, we all stay pretty close. My mom calls us the 4 musketeers, now that we all live so far away; my brother in San Jose, Ca on the west coast; me in Augusta, Ga on the east coast; my parents in the middle in Minnesota. When we come together again over holidays though, it's like we never left, and everything fits. Even Jeffy's girlfriend Hannah fits in with us, and it doesn't seem like a holiday without her lately. I avoid telling my brother this because I don't want to put added pressure on him to stay with her; sometimes I think he wonders what to do. They're in a long distance relationship. But whatever trials they go through, they always end up together after it all. It's very beautiful to me.

This is me rambling when I'm happy.

Something always seems to happen before love even enters into the equation for me, but its enough for me right now to see that it happens for other people. What a beautiful world!

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