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2003-06-12 - 12:33 p.m.

Yesterday I played Disc Golf with Murphy. It was unbearably hot out. I trudged along the disc golf course, carrying a disc and the stick I use for waving around in case there's some spider webs in front of me. The disc golf course is very pretty, and I tried to enjoy it and receive some energy from the landscape, but it was too late: I was too drained. At one point I laid down on the grass while Murphy looked for a lost disc. He lost two of his discs. Fortunately I didn't lose any.

I really suck at disc golf. It takes me three throws to get where Murphy throws his first one. And he's not all that great himself.

We didn't play all 18 holes because we were both too low on energy. I felt like I was suffering through the course; about then when it's time to stop an activity.

It ended up storming as we were driving back to my apartment. One of those summer downpours that come in quickly and leave just as fast. While I was laying down on the grass back at the disc golf course a gigantic drop of water came out of nowhere and (of course) landed right next to my crotch. I looked up and around to see if someone was playing a trick on me. I didn't see any drops of water anywhere else. I was unable to put two and two together: a thunderstorm was coming.

I think part of the reason my energy level was low was because of who I was with. It stresses me out to be around people sometimes. I'm not comfortable around Murphy all of the time. It's nothing against him; I find it difficult to be around a lot of people. Sometimes when I make the effort to be social, being around other people becomes easier. Sometimes I have a hard time making the effort.

Jon called and I played mini putt with him last night at the penis place. I find it very easy to be around him. Who knows why? I may meet his sister this weekend. He keeps asking me if we're "dating" or what "we" are. I keep telling him the same thing. I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Maybe I find it easy to be around Jon because he's slightly insane. With most people it would tick me off if they asked repeatedly what "we" are but with him I don't mind it so much. I think it's because he just wants clarification all the time and not because he's trying to put any pressure on me. I've been accused of sending out mixed messages before so it's better that he asks anyways.

Why do guys think that talking and being nice to them equals wanting to sleep with them? Patrick once told me that there's no such thing as a purely platonic relationship because someone always wants more out of it than the other person; someone is always more attracted than the other one is. I tried to think of examples to prove him wrong but I couldn't come up with any, mostly because I didn't want to presume. I think platonic relationships can exist, otherwise there wouldn't be a name for it. I was going to bring up Sean as an example of this but I didn't want to start any conversation that could lead to, "oh you really think so? You should just hear what he says when you're not around" sort of thing. I think it's fairly safe to say that there's no attraction between us, but I guess you never know.

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