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2003-06-14 - 9:49 a.m.

Something I did the other day that I neglected to write down but should have is that I told Rick that I prefer it when he acts like I don't exist. Thanks. I'm 99.9999999999% sure I'll never hear from him again. This certainty is comforting. So much for trying to be friends with him. I just didn't have it in me.

I got an email from Cody today. This in and of itself is not extraordinary since he's my most faithful email correspondant and I get email from him all the time. But THIS email said that he's deploying! I'm partly excited for him, and partly jealous. Also, selfishly, I'm annoyed because I know I won't be getting as many emails from him. In fact I probably will not be hearing from him in some time if he's deploying to a particularly scary location.

Whenever I think about emailing Cody I always think back to how Dave broke into my email account and fucked everything up. I can't believe I ever trusted him. The thing is, I don't think Dave will ever realize what a shitty thing it was that he did, and I don't think he'll ever feel sorry for it. Just sorry he was caught. I'm mad that he never called me to get his stuff back because I would have liked to have seen him one last time just to let him know what a waste of life I think he is. I really think that: he's a waste of life. I'm not saying he'll always be that way; it's possible one day he'll change for the better. But the way he is right now, he's worse than just taking up space. He's a miserable excuse for a human being. Why didn't I see it sooner? I had to wait until he fucked up a valued friendship first. I think I'll always have a little bit of naiveity when it comes to the world and specifically dealing with the people in it.

Something else I noticed the other day about myself is that I like to say I'm not a jealous person, but the truth is, I am. I get jealous when I think that someone that I like to talk to prefers talking to someone else. It's a matter of reconciling my idea of myself as a beautiful person with the fact that not everyone else thinks so. I see myself as an amazing and interesting person, unlike anyone around me. Then I'm surprised when I realize I don't have many friends. I try not to think, man what's wrong with me? And rather think, I'm just not like most of the rest of the people who find themselves in the military.

Yesterday I was somewhat excited to go to work, since Patrick would be there. But he doesn't talk to me all that much anymore, and I'm starting to realize that he's really quite annoying in all of his smugness. He said that if I felt like doing something I could call him. I said I wouldn't because I'd feel silly. I said that because I didn't want to say, I wouldn't call you because I'm not feeding into your sense of ego by calling you and asking you to hang out with me in my as-percieved-by-you lonliness. I actually almost told him those exact words because he kept asking what I meant by silly, but then I realized he was singing a song to himself and starting to dance a little, and I realized he wasn't listening. These days I'm more interested in talking to Sean because what he has to say is at least blatantly self-absorbed.

This whole entry is kind of silly. I'm just gossiping with myself. What's that you say? Dave is a fucking waste of life? Patrick is incredibly smug and arrogant? No, really? He told me he's meeting Becky for coffee this weekend, the same Becky who deliberatly sabotaged me at work and in fact is the whole reason why I'm on delta shift. To quote Mr. Show, You two oughta get married and then go hang yourselves.

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